


Why Is She Inquisitor Again?

by Tranquil_Tevine



Series: Xandria Trevelyan: A Tale of Insanity [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Crack, Crazy Inquisitor, Cringeworthy (Or so I've been told), God so much swearing, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Non graphic mentions of Abuse/Neglect/Rape, Pissing into Punch Bowls, Sexual Humor, Yo Mama! Joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6112553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tranquil_Tevine/pseuds/Tranquil_Tevine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keep yourselves and any children locked away, for when the warning of 'Don't try this at home!' comes along, Xandria makes it her duty to do the exact opposite and much more...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Green Swirling Arsehole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xandria was quite literally dropped into the shit. She didn't let that stop her from being her usual eccentric self, however.

"Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now."

 

Well, fuck. Xandria had gotten herself into some predicaments before but she didn't think having a sneaky poke around at the conclave would result in this utter shitstorm.

 

She'd blacked out and some point and woken up, only to be interrogated by two women, both with invisible sticks up their arse, not a trace of carefree in sight. What she couldn't decide on is who had the biggest and widest stick.

 

"I got practically shat out of the fade and I now have green shite in the palm of my hand! I might be a nutter but not to the point where I think offing innocents is a good idea! Fuck me."

 

"You're lying!" This unknown woman looked as though she wanted to rattle what few sane brain cells remained in Xandria's head, but was held back by another woman. "We need her, Cassandra."

 

Xandria had to marvel at the fact that just a few hours ago, she was knocking bandit's heads together as a favour for a man who lost his wife to them and now she was watching Cassandra and Leliana, as she found the other woman's name, effectively bitch over her involvement in all this.

 

So, when it came down to it she was eventually released from her confines and because she couldn't exactly walk away from all this, willingly followed Cassandra to the breach, but not before she started doing squats, cracking every inch of her body. It was in the middle of her doing jumping Jacks that an incredulous voice broke into her concentration.

 

"What on earth are you doing?"

 

"I'm stiff as all hell from that stone floor, I can't whack shit in this state can I?" Saying that she continued what she was doing for a short while, stopping once she felt well enough to start swinging her axe about, once she could find one.

 

"Very well." Cassandra waited for her to finish up and just as they were about to the cross a bridge, of course, it gave way, Xandria falling arse over tit but rather conveniently, crash landing in front of an axe.

 

Truth be told, she'd never actually faced demons up until this moment. She knew that occasionally a few were let loose into this world summoned by mages but this time the giant swirling arsehole in the sky was shitting them out, much like it shat her out and apparently robbed her memories as well, as she couldn't recall barely anything of what happened.

 

"Bring it on, creepy fucks!" She jabbed her axe in a shade's direction, daring it to so much as glide an inch over the ice. Before it could so much as raise a limb to strike, she'd cleaved it entirely in half and then some. Let it never be said she left a job half finished.

 

Before long, the demons were gone, only to find herself faced with the edge of Cassandra's weapon. "Drop your weapon. Now."

 

Raising both eyebrows incredulously, she tightened the grip on her axe. "You've got to be jerking my cock here. You want me to follow you to where I was shat out, without a weapon and having to rely on you defending me when I can do it perfectly well myself? Give me some bloody credit here! You might not trust me but running away or attempting to kill you first and then run away won't do me any favours."

 

Cassandra sighed, in a way which put her parent's disgusted tones to shame. "You are right." Almost reluctantly, Cassandra resheathed her sword and in silence, fought their way through demons, the green in her hand occasionally throbbing like fuck.

 

Before long, Xandria was fighting yet more demons, though joining another pair and aiding them.

 

Then, out of nowhere, one of them grabbed her hand, sealing the rift formed and immediately once shut, she wasted no time in swinging him over her head, dropping him in the snow.

 

"Oi, what the hell? Ever heard of personal space? Stranger danger? Any of that? Andraste's throbbing clit."

 

The smaller man choked a surprised laugh, as the one she'd dropped looked discomposed.

 

"My apologies," He spoke calmly, using the staff he still held to get back on his feet. "It was not my intention to startle you."

 

She shrugged. "No harm done. You helped me close a green floating shit stain." She promptly sat on the snow-covered ground right where she was, axe across her lap.

 

"That's one hell of a sexy crossbow you have there, good sir." she gestured to the other man, widely grinning.

 

"Isn't she? This is Bianca."

 

"Charmed M'lady." She addressed the crossbow, attempting to bow from her seated position.

 

"Varric Tethras, at your service. What's your name Patches?"

 

"Xandria. I like that, though. Patches Trevelyan. Fuck yeah!" her green eyes sparkled with mischief as Varric shook his head, marvelling at the fact that he met all sorts of people.

 

"My name is Solas if there are to be introductions. I am pleased to see that you still live."

 

"What he means to say is, he kept that mark from killing you while you slept," Varric interjected.

 

"Cheers Sherry! My miserable life isn't worth much but I appreciate it anyway."

 

Cassandra couldn't even protest Varric joining them as already Xandria was off, not giving them a chance to argue the matter. After clapping Varric on the shoulder to the point where he nearly faceplanted in the snow, he had to wonder how Patches could run so fast with the heavy armor she wore. Deciding not to question who he was following unlike Solas, he followed behind, Cassandra's sighs fading into the background.


	2. Fun At Skyhold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xandria has no awareness of danger. Anything marked as dangerous, she merely saw as something conquerable.

In The War Room

  
"But Inquisitor-"

  
"Not listening! La La La."

  
"I highly recommend that you read those."

  
"Like Titty Sprinkles I am!"

  
Xandria proceeded to craft the scattered documents into a rather marvelous paper airplane, if she said so herself. Heading to the opened window, she aimed the giant plane skyward. It struck home, wind blowing it into the distance.

  
Putting a hand to her forehead in a seeking motion, she squinted her eyes until it was out of range.

  
"Aaaaand it's gone, just like the fuck I gave about this conversation."

  
Dusting her hands, she strolled out in search of other ways to cause trouble.

  
"Sweet Maker, why is she Inquisitor again?" Cullen questioned his life choices up until now.

  
"FART POWERRRR!"

  
A shout brought Solas out of his meditation. He was rarely lost for words, but he couldn't find anything to explain what he was currently seeing.

  
The Inquisitor was perched upon a plank of wood, 4 wheels either side. She held a fan to her behind as a propeller of sorts and was currently straining her face beyond recognition.

  
"Need to go faster! Aghhh..."

  
PPPRRRPPPTTT!

  
The loudest fart yet echoed around the room.

  
"I moved! Yes! Just a bit more..."

  
Solas nearly gagged. The smell was unbearable and there were no windows where he was. Had he not ran outside for some fresh air, he feared he'd pass out.

  
Cracking her knuckles in glee, Xandria nodded to herself. Mission to get Solas out of the room and suffering? Accomplished.

  
"I'm sorry; I believe I've had a momentary lapse in hearing. You want to do _what_ now?"

  
"Bridge leading to Skyhold. I'll stand on it and dive into the water below!"

  
"Vishante Kaffas! It's freezing here as it is! Why on earth would you want to freeze yourself more?"

  
Bouncing around in utter joy, Xandria’s eyes sparkled.

  
"Because it's fun!"

  
Dorian shook his head.

  
"You won't be living much longer if you decide to take a plunge into those icy depths."

  
He tried and failed to conceal his bewilderment. “What on earth are you wearing?"

  
It was bizarre, to say the least. She decided her underwear should be worn outside of her clothes, not in. Said clothes were the most garish shade of green and orange you'd ever laid eyes on.

  
"Well cockwombles to you! If I'm diving off Skyhold's bridge, I’m doing it in style!"

  
"There's nothing stylish about _that._ " Making a muffled noise of disgust at the back of his throat, Dorian rubbed his forehead.

  
"And to think that we're distantly related..."

  
"You love me really!" Xandria smiled sweetly before using her thumbs to spread a smile on his face.

  
"GERONIMO, AND AWAY I GOOOOO!"

  
She jumped from the top floor, landing with a crash on Solas' desk. It upset the contents, including his untouched tea. The entire table gave way to the force of her landing, leaving her sat upon a pile of what was essentially firewood.

  
"What are you doing?!" Solas shouted to her side.

  
"Hi, Sherry! Or should I say Sheeeeeery Baby, Sherry baby-"

  
"STOP!"

  
Cackling, Xandria removed herself from the ruined tabletop. A few minutes later, she was on the bridge, ready. She'd skipped the entire way there. It seems that the whole of Skyhold had heard what she was about to do. They were there to watch. Going into a diving motion, she rocked back and forth. Taking a deep breath she screamed.

  
"SHERRY'S HAIRLESS NIPPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

  
And off she went. Down, down, down. The drop seemed to last forever. But then-

  
SPLASH!

  
She was submerged in freezing water. No scratch that, _**fucking**_   freezing water. She swam to the surface, gasping for breath.

  
"That was AWESOME! FUCK YEAH!" She vowed to do that again, another day.

  
Not that she knew, but a hefty amount of coins were being traded. Dorian and Varric took most of the winnings since they knew her and the lengths she'd go to.

  
Xandria had decided to take Dorian, Solas and Varric on an expedition into The Hinterlands. Not that they knew, of course...


	3. Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian comes to realise that The Inquisitor is certainly not the most normal of people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There isn't any sense of order to this, sorry! Chapters might change because I'm thinking of doing when she first became Inquisitor also. I have all these ideas that I want to slot into places so it's a bit disorienting.

Dorian was stunned.

 

He had known The Inquisitor the least amount of time compared to everyone else, but considering what situations he had found himself in traipsing across The Hinterlands, he came to the conclusion that she wasn't altogether there.

 

He meant this in the nicest way possible as for some of her character flaws, as in not seeming to recognise bad ideas, she had a heart of gold, shining through when she chose to ally with the rebel mages.

 

Most members of the Inquisition made sure to avoid him, being from Tevinter. Xandria didn't. In fact, she actively sought him out, with questions upon questions of himself and his homeland. The change of pace was quite refreshing.

 

They had recently discovered Skyhold. He feared for her safety but needn't have bothered. Corypheus was woefully unprepared for her.

 

Speaking of the newly appointed Inquisitor, he hadn't seen her since the attack on Haven.

 

Ah, speak of the devil and she shall appear...

Dorian heard a noise.looking down, he witnessed Xandria trying to hopscotch up the stairs, but not doing the best job.

 

“Come on, just 2 to go-” “FUCK!”

 

Her footing slipped. Dorian reached out his hand, catching her slight wrist in his.

 

“Normally I would tell someone in your position to be careful. However, I realise the word would be lost on you.”

 

She grinned. ”You know it!”

 

After recovering from her near tumble of serious injury, death or bruise, she leant against the Bookcase which Dorian was browsing.

 

Oh god, how would he go about this? Dorian was by no means, a man of few words. But he was beginning to find this to be untrue, the more he was around her.

 

He'd just come out and say it, there was no way to sugar coat it. He was tempted to slap himself, see if it was a dream.

 

“You were hitting on Corypheus. Actually hitting on him. Are you mad? Some of the one-liners you uttered were positively horrendous! Also, he's hardly the most dashing creature out there.”

 

Xandria sniggered. ”You heard that over the crash landing of his admittedly gorgeous dragon? Shit, you have better hearing than I credited you for!”

 

Nodding in approval, she favoured the floor for the bookcase and slid down to rest on it.

 

She raised one eyebrow. ”You don't seriously think I have a thing for him, do you? Fuck me sideways! It was just a distraction! I may be into many things, but bestiality isn't one of them. I say beast because that sure as hell isn't a human! Ugh.”

 

She almost shuddered in revulsion.

 

Dorian wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

 

“But those lines! Sweet Andraste.”

 

He recited a few, to the amusement of Xandria.

 

"They say with age, comes experience. Baby, you could shag me to the Black City and back!"

 

"Are you Red Lyrium? Because you drive me wild."

 

Dorian began pacing, actually wearing a hole in the stone floor, hand gestures and everything!

 

“Not only do you drop terrible one-liners, you break into song and dance! Granted it allowed you enough time to set the Trebuchet off, but couldn't you pick a less crude song?”

 

“Not a chance, where's the fun in that? Don't you think the “You are a Cunt” song has a certain ring to it?"

 

Dorian dismissed what he was about to say. ”You and your bloody good points.”


	4. Well,Shit!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Xandria causes trouble,Varric loses a bet and Solas ponders the pros and cons of The Inquisition as a whole...

"You've got to be shitting me Patches. There’s no way you can do that!" Varric exclaimed with disbelief. Xandria, along with Varric, Dorian and Solas, were stood outside of a magically barricaded cave, containing rebel apostates.

  
"The fuck I can't! I bet 10 silver plus all my clothing that I can get past that barrier without help from Dorian or Sherry."

  
Varric couldn't resist. If it was a bet...."You're on. Hope you're looking forward to buying my drinks."

  
Snorting, Xandria dismissed his comment with a wave of her hand.

  
"And on that day, Sherry will grow hair and not be shagging spirits in the fade."

  
Dorian coughed to hide his chuckle. “Oh what did I let myself into when I joined the Inquisition, led by you of all people?"

  
Solas frowned deeply. “For the last time, I’m not-" Giving up, he sighed. “There’s no point, do what you will."

  
Xandria rubbed her hands together in glee. “Let’s get this shit started, waaaaay!"

  
She strode over to the barrier, peeking inside. Her vision was a bit blurry from the fiery mist, but she could see several apostates gathered inside, talking.

  
"OI! YOU LOT! HAVING FUN WITH YOUR MAGICAL ORGY? OR ARE THOSE STAFFS COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING YOU ALL LACK?" She yelled. “No offense Dorian!" She turned, winking cheekily.

  
Shouts of displeasure rang from behind the barrier. “Who are you and what do you want?"

  
"I'M THE INQUISITOR! I CAME HERE TO PERSONALLY TELL YOU ALL HOW MUCH YOU SUCK DICK! LITERALLY! I BET YOU NEED ELECTRICAL STIMULATION VIA YOUR OWN MAGIC TO EVEN GET YOUR COCKS HALF MAST!"

  
There was a ruckus going on now. The Mages were definitely riled up.

  
"How dare you! I'll have you know that my cock-" He was muffled by another man, placing a hand over his mouth.

  
"Don’t, that’s what she wants to do, make us angry."

  
Wolf whistling, she sang a song. “Apostate 1 and 2, sitting in a cave, they jack each other off until they're in a grave. First comes gagging, then comes shagging, then comes a Darkspawn with his ball sack sagging!"

  
"Shut up now!"

  
Xandria was in her element.

  
"Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to be drunk to breastfeed her!"

  
Varric was in hysterics. Solas wasn't getting involved and Dorian was watching with clear amusement.

  
One of the apostates could be heard wailing, “My mother's not ugly!"

  
The others were pissed off. Varying elements of Ice, Fire and Shock crackled upon their palms. In their anger staffs lay, forgotten. While one Mage was in a corner crying, the others fired at Xandria, not realizing they were hitting the very barrier they had raised in defence.

  
With a small puff of fiery mist, the barrier disintegrated.

  
"Oh shit." The apostates said in unison.

  
"Oh, shit indeed! You thunder cunts are done! CHHHAARRRGGGEEE!"

  
With a battle cry off she went, Axe swinging in a whirlwind motion. Before the three could recover from their shock, the Mages lay dead, blood spattering the ground and Xandria.

  
Varric's jaw hit the floor. "Y-you, I" He stammered. “You crafty bastard! I can't believe you pulled that off!"

  
Dorian chuckled. “I’ve come to expect the unexpected from our dear Inquisitor by now. You owe her 10 silver and your clothes, I believe."

  
Varric sighed but grinned. “Worth it."

  
Solas was just done.

  
Xandria kindly waited until the return to Skyhold before Varric removed his clothes. Because she was awesome (of course!), she bought herself, Dorian and Varric rounds in the tavern later. It was empty, save for the Bartender and Maryden. The others had heard of the bet and the consequences, so they avoided the tavern for the time being.


	5. Rage In Ram's Clothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a lot of sanity,yet plenty of water to make up for it!

Back in the Hinterlands

  
"Lord Woolsley? Fucking Lord Woolsley? Who looks at a Ram and decides to give it a bloody title of its own? Back me up here Dorian you're a Lord. Don’t you actually have to do something other than be a slightly more intelligent ram than usual to warrant the title?"

  
"Well yes, typically. Perhaps this ram may have accomplished astonishing feats which we mere non rams could only dream of!"

  
"Lord my short and curlies." Xandria muttered.

  
They'd been asked to fetch a Ram with a title, by a man named One-Eyed Jimmy.

  
"Let's go find the fucker." Varric and Dorian followed ahead, Solas trailing behind.

  
A few hours later...

  
"Gotcha you little horned nob head!" Xandria approached the ram, unfortunately tripping up on her own feet.

  
"Bollocks!"

  
Falling with a clatter, she knocked into Lord Woolsley. Who slowly started to change form…

  
Into a rage demon.

  
Varric whipped Bianca out, ready. "Shit! I knew this was too simple."

  
"I quite agree." Dorian groaned, following suit with his staff. Solas was once again wondering why he joined The Inquisition voluntarily.

  
A minute later, the demon was dead, leaving 5 Ram Leather and a rather nice belt.

  
Xandria proceeded to flop onto her back, making snow angels with no snow.

  
"How the fuck did a rage demon pass off as a ram? More importantly, how did it get a title? All they do is burn your nipple hairs off if you stand too close, or anything flammable. Some law in the arse end of Thedas must state it's illegal to keep rage demons masquerading as rams."

  
"Perhaps the man didn't know the ram's true identity." Dorian offered.

  
"He can only see out of one eye, that can't have helped," Varric added.

  
Xandria laughed. “Despite that, the whole idea is fucking awesome." She sat up, a gleam in her eye.

  
"Piggy Back!" She got to her feet, leaping onto Solas' unsuspecting back. Though she was slight in stature, the sudden shock sent the two tumbling in the direction of the lake. With a splash, they rolled in.

  
Varric and Dorian checked on the pair. Xandria was flat on her back underwater, then sat up. Solas soon followed. Xandria turned to face him, spitting out a gob full of water in his eye, followed by a huge splash.

  
"AHAHAHA! WATER FIGHT!"

  
Poor Solas didn't stand a chance. He was already soaked head to toe. Varric wasn't faring much better, as Xandria sent splashes in his direction. Dorian however, managed to avoid most of the water, by freezing it in mid-air when aimed at him. He did freeze up Solas' side. He ended up with a marvellous frosted beard.

  
"So much fun!"

  
Once she'd had her fill, Xandria ran off in the direction of camp, boots squelching in her wake. Her 3 relatively and somewhat soaked companions, soon followed after her.


	6. An Unusual Mount

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Bull's first time joining Xandria,Dorian and Varric.Naturally,further insanity awaits!

Back at the Herald's Rest

  
What do you mean I should reconsider joining you? I joined up to kill shit! Also because the Ben-Hassrath asked me to." Bull scratched his head, confused.

  
Drinking a large quantity of his swill, Dorian turned to face him.

  
"It's insanity, utter insanity. Do you not wonder why Solas refuses to join us now?"

  
Reclining on his stool, Bull chuckled. "Yeah, heard about that."

  
Varric eyed Bull. He seemed to be asking with his eyes, ‘Do you really want to do this?' before speaking.

  
"You can join us if you want, but you'd better prepare yourself. Crazy shit happens around The Inquisitor."

  
"What kind of crazy are we talking about here?"

  
"Well-" Dorian started, but was cut off by the door banging open, then swinging back into said person's face.

  
"OW YOU WOODEN FUCKER!"

  
Xandria held her nose, eyes watering. Taking a few seconds to compose herself, she skipped to the bar.

  
"You three, finish up those pints or I will for you. We’re off to Emprise Du Lion!" Leaning close to Varric she whispered, “Do you know what that means?"

  
He shook his head, slightly wary.

  
"SNOWBALL FIGHT! She screeched into his ear. Varric fell off his stool in fright.

  
"Patches, did you have to deafen me like that?"

  
"Yep" she stated. “See you lot in half an hour, WOO!" She ran back out, nose intact.

  
"That kind of crazy." Dorian finished.

  
"Ah." Was all Bull could say in response.

  
Emprise Du Lion

  
Raising her eyebrows, Xandria whistled.

  
"Tower's secured by thick, heavy and huge chains? Kinky." She grinned, eyebrows wagging and addressed bull.

  
"You think that's why it's called The Tower of Bone?"

  
Bull nearly collapsed in laughter. "I think we'll get along just fine boss."

  
"Great! Always good! Need someone to replace Solas since he refuses to join me now." Frowning she muttered to herself. “Wonder why that is..."

  
Dorian barely held back a snort. “Was that a serious question, Inquisitor?"

  
Xandria opened her mouth, index finger sticking up in a pointing motion. Her mouth remained open for several seconds, before shutting.

  
"I don't think I ever ask a serious question."

  
Smiling, Dorian patted her on the shoulder. “The sanest thing you've uttered since I joined."

  
Her eyes cleared. For a moment, she looked serious. But faster than a blink of an eye, she was back to normal. Trudging through the snow, she stopped. “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with....BEHEMOTH! RACE YOU! LAST ONE THERE HAS TO SUCK RED LYRIUM COCK!"

  
She sprinted.

  
"Faasta Vaas!" Dorian swore a little in Tevine before chasing after her.

  
"I've been guessing Red Lyrium's alive, but it's not that alive is it?" Varric asked Bull. Shrugging his shoulders, Bull decided not to question the sanity of his Boss. It was better that way.

  
Xandria stared in awe. She’d fought one of these before, by the name of Knight Captain Denam, but she was too busy shitting herself to take note of one from so close.

  
It was beautiful, in a glowing 'I will rape you with my giant claw fist' way. It slumped around; fine red mist illuminating the fresh snow below it. No smooth surface in sight. She really wanted a ride....

  
Jumping up and down in glee, she was about to run off before one huge arm wrapped around her waist.

  
"Boss, why the mad rush?"

  
Oh, Bull. Huh, his arm was really muscular. Damn nice too!

  
"I want to ride a Behemoth!"

  
"You want to ride one of those? Are you crazy?" Bull stopped and thought for a moment. "Wait, forget I asked that."

  
Dorian stood before Xandria, studying her like she was a particularly rare tome. “I’m beginning to think you truly have a death wish. Why do you have the urge to ride something which definitely wants to kill you?"

  
Varric knew that no amount of persuading would change her mind. "Let her do it. When Patches has her heart set on something, no one can change her mind."

  
Dorian was reluctant but agreed. Before Bull had come to a decision, Xandria slipped from his loosened arm, heading in the direction of the Behemoth.

  
"Craaaaap." He cursed. All they could do was watch.

  
She was sneaking. Hard to do when one is a warrior specializing as a Reaver admittedly, but it hadn't noticed her presence yet. She crouched down low, just behind it. She jumped, hands firmly grasping onto the sharp, jutting crystals. She found a groove just below its hunched back she could wedge in. She kept a tight hold, waiting.

  
Something was on his back, he could feel it. No, the corruption sensed it, he was no longer himself, just a vessel for the blight.

  
The Behemoth swung a huge claw to the ground, twisting and turning as much as possible.

  
She was going to have a shit ton of bruises after all this. To make it more atmospheric, she started to sing.

  
"You spin me right round baby right round, like a record baby right round right round!"

  
What on earth is she singing?" Dorian wondered.

  
"Not even Andraste's Sacred Knickers could tell us."

  
Bull was staring intently at Xandria, a smile on his face. Fuck he was impressed! By the sheer balls she had to do such a thing and by how long she was managing to stay on.

  
Bored, Xandria removed her Axe, standing. Struggling to balance, she eventually found footing, before cleaving the behemoth's head in two. Stopping all movements, it exploded into fine powered Lyrium.

  
"Woah!"

  
She crash landed on her back. Unhurt, she stood up. Wow...

  
"I'M GOING TO RIDE ANOTHER OF THOSE FUCKERS SOMETIME!" She smiled, Bull accepting the high five.

  
"Now..." She started, fingers flexing.

  
"SNOWBALL FIGHT!" Quicker than a blink of an eye, she’d moulded snow into a firm, compact ball. It struck true, hitting Bull in the chest.

  
He barely flinched. Smirking, he made one of his own. One considerably larger.

  
"Boss, you seem to forget that I have bigger hands than you. Prepare to die!"

  
He lobbed it, hard.

  
It hit Xandria-No, wait. It flew over the other side of The Bone Tower!

  
She'd used her Axe as a bat, sending it flying.

  
"Ha!" Flipping him the bird, she stuck her tongue out.

  
"Best of 3?" 

  
Nodding in agreement, Bull slapped Varric on the back. “You’re on my team."

  
"No," Dorian whined. “I’m freezing my feet off as we are stood now! Is this mandatory?"

  
"Aww please play with us?" For effect, she batted her eyelashes at him, pouting prettily.

  
"How can I refuse with a face like that?" He teased. "Alright, but I expect us to win after all this."

  
Unknown to Xandria, while she was pouting, Bull looked at her with an almost hungry expression. ‘Redheads, gotta love redheads!' he thought.

  
"I'll count down!" Xandria smiled, excitement in her eyes.

  
"5! 4! 3! 2! 1! FIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTT!"

  
More snow was thrown at one another that day than perhaps what covered the rest of The Emprise. In the end, Dorian and Xandria won, thanks to the use of his staff and freezing balls in mid-motion. Varric claimed that was cheating, however, no rules were set before the game started. Dorian wasn't just a pretty face.


	7. Unexpected Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The sanest thing you've uttered since I joined."
> 
> Xandria couldn't stop thinking on what Dorian had said.Dorian finds out more about Xandria than he'd bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok serious chapter guys, for once. It's a little insight into why Xandria is how she is and 2 friends grow a little closer once they come to an understanding.

Inquisitor's Quarters

  
Xandria laid face up, legs on her bed, upper body trailing on the floor, in just her underwear. Perhaps that was rather strange, considering the weather which wasn't the warmest and where she was supposed to be right now. But damn it, these were her quarters and she'd wear what she bloody well liked! Even if that did amount to nothing, modesty wasn't a word in her vocabulary.

  
She'd always been different, an outcast. As a child, she spent much of her time alone, as no one wanted to play with her. Even her parents couldn't stomach her oddness, as once she grew older; she was disowned in all but paper. She could tell her quirkiness disconcerted everyone, even Corypheus when she sung the 'You are a Cunt' song to him. She smiled briefly at that, but was all too soon was replaced with a frown.

  
Since no one was in the room other than her, she allowed a small sigh to slip out. Despite what everyone thought, she did care about her role as Inquisitor, deeply. It was the first time her life ever had purpose. Sometimes, she cared too much. She yearned to help people, but she lacked the social skills to know how. She’d always been slightly unhinged; it seemed to be part of her personality. She wouldn't change that for anyone. Her insanity was what truly kept her sane. She wasn't entirely sure if she was capable of being serious.

  
In truth, she wasn't sure what her companions thought of her. The only reason she liked Sherry was because he was an endless source of amusement for her. Beyond that, she was suspicious. She did have 2 brain cells to rub together and from what Solas had spoken of, she’d put the pieces together and could gather that he wasn't telling everything. As in, leaving the most important information out.

  
Varric had been trying to get her story since they'd met those months ago. She’d remained tight lipped. There wasn't much to tell honestly, but she knew she'd crack and give in to his pleas eventually.

  
And Bull? What was there to say? She liked him. Really liked him. Those rippling muscles. Wonder if the thumb size fact rang true. Licking her lips unconsciously, she smiled to herself. ‘I’ll have to find out one day.'

  
Dorian. She smiled slightly. Such a nice guy. His father didn't understand what a wonderful son he had. Why should who he sticks his cock in relate to how effective he is at being a Magister, if that time ever came? None! She couldn't understand it. She had no preference over gender, she found everyone attractive in their own way. Sometimes, she’d gotten the feeling that he was a little disappointed in her. Perhaps because she was a Trevelyan, a noble line and she should act the part.

  
Hard to do when in her heart, she didn't feel like part of her family, She’d always been alone. Sometimes, the cloud over her head would fade if one of her companions cracked a smile or laughed at some of the things she'd get up to. For a while, it wouldn't hurt so much.

  
In truth, she had no idea if anyone understood how she truly felt. She was terrible at dealing with her own emotions and possibly even worse at handling someone else's.

  
"You'd think at 20 years of age, I would have a grasp of myself by now. But no, I’m destined to forever misunderstand myself." She whispered, sadly.

  
So lost in her thoughts was she, that she failed to realize that there had been several knocks at her door, before the person knocking had walked straight in.

  
"Is there a particular reason why you're practically naked and upside down?"

  
Tilting her head, She spotted Dorian, leaning against the door frame.

  
"Because I can?" She smirked. Apparently, she'd held that position for too long, as the blood suddenly rushed to her head when attempting to move.

  
"Ow you bastard!" She winced slightly.

  
"I may or may not need a little help here."

  
Rolling his eyes, Dorian obliged. Lifting her by her underarms, he dropped her right way up on the bed.

  
Dorian sat beside her, twirling his mustache. "Since you have a visitor, are you not going to put clothes on?"

  
"It's only you and I'm hardly distracting. For a start I don't have nearly enough hair, my nipples aren't flat to my chest and I have a distinct lack of a cock and ball sack." But for the sake of less awkwardness, she slipped a shirt over her slight frame.

  
"Eloquent as always." He chuckled, scrutinizing her.

  
"Are you all right? You looked lost in thought. I had to say something because I was watching you for a minute and you'd failed to notice me. Naturally, I am quite noticeable so it was a cause for concern."

  
She shifted her eyes uneasily. “Why wouldn't I be alright, always am!"

  
She tried and failed to keep the grin on her face. Today, she just couldn't.

  
His eyes turned serious. “There’s definitely something wrong. By now, you’d be off on a rant to confuse me or doing daredevil antics which no other mortal would even attempt. What’s on your mind?"

  
She laughed, but it wasn't one filled with humor. Covering her face with both hands, she muttered. “What isn't? I'm a fucking nut case. No serious or straight thought ever crosses it."

  
Dorian frowned. He’d never seen her in this state before, ever. She was always the crazy, strange Inquisitor he'd found himself loving as a sibling of sorts in a short time. She made everyone forget the reality of war around them. It seems that she had troubles of her own.

  
Clearing his throat uncomfortably, he leaned over, resting a hand on her shoulder. Feeling her stiffen, he decided to clear the air a little.

  
"For what it's worth, I consider you a friend, Inquisitor. Yes you may confuse me at least 5 times a day, but you never judged when finding out my situation back home and with my father." Laughing loudly, he added "Also the look on my father's face when you told him that 'Any hole was a goal’. I thought he'd spontaneously combust!"

  
Xandria's eyes widened. “I may spontaneously combust yet. You consider me a friend? I thought I was an annoyance to you at best. I" She averted her eyes. "I also consider you a friend, Dorian. You’re the first I've ever had."

  
Dorian didn't consider himself the overly affectionate type, but he couldn't resist giving her a sideways hug. He eased her from lying down, wrapping his arm round her, gently pulling her to his side. When stood, she only came to his chest.

  
"Well I consider you my friend. As does Varric. I believe The Iron Bull does also." He raised his eyebrows when her cheeks tinged red.

  
"Ah so our illustrious leader has a crush? Who would've thought? I also sense a story behind what you've told me."

  
Sighing, she met Dorian's eyes, relaxing into the comfort offered. “The one story which Varric has been trying to wring out of me since we first met. Care to hear it? I feel it's only fair after what you've shared of your family."

  
"Me? Knowing a story before Varric gets his hands over it? I'm honored!"

  
Xandria thought for a moment. "If you have any questions, just interrupt, I couldn't give a shit."

  
His eyes softened. “Take your time. If I do, I’ll be sure to ask them."

  
Gathering her thoughts, she began.

  
"As the only child of the noble house of Trevelyan, my parents placed a lot of expectations upon me. They soon came to realize that from a young age, I was...different. Instead of being educated about the finer points of etiquette and how to represent our house, I would instead run outside, to climb trees and fight invisible foes; other children would avoid me, if I was ever allowed contact with them. I often sang to myself.

  
At the age of 6, I was locked away in my room. It was dark, all except for a window which I was unable to unlock. My parents spoke of my tragic death. “Oh, she was so young! To have lost her to the Darkspawn!" Evidently the locals had forgotten that there hadn't been sightings of Darkspawn in Ostwick for years. The room I was in had nothing. They barely remembered to feed me daily. Often, they wouldn’t. To keep away the loneliness, I would continue the singing. I even had an imaginary friend once. Early into my prison, I’d cry out. I learned not to, even when demons plagued me during my hours of sleep. Slowly, my mind gave way to the isolation. I became more unhinged. Where before I was simply quirky. Now? I'd found myself unable to keep a single thought within my head. My mind was and still is, cluttered. My parents knew they couldn't keep me locked away forever, so they eventually let me out, only to tell me to leave their estate immediately."

  
She was about to continue, but sensed a disturbance beside her. Dorian’s arm was still around her, but lightning crackled upon his palms. There was visible anger in his expression.The arm tightened.

  
"They locked you away? You were just a child! And their daughter to boot!"

  
Xandria glanced at him. “I don't believe I was ever their daughter."

  
Dorian closed his eyes for a second, taking deep breaths. His palms returned to normal, air clearing.

  
"I apologize, please continue."

  
"It's ok." She smiled slightly.

  
"I had very little in the way of possessions, so set out on my own. I was 11 at the time. I was locked away for 5 years. I’d never had a childhood. I stole father's sword from his display cabinet and set out to make my own path. My difference in opinions and attitude allowed me to stay alive. I practiced with the sword regularly, eventually becoming skilled enough to take on odd jobs. Up until this 'Herald of Andraste' Bullshit, that had been my life."

  
She finished, adding something else.

  
"I know that I can be serious, act like The Inquisitor. I just need to learn how to. All those years locked away fucked me up in here." She tapped the side of her head.

  
Dorian shook his head. “Don’t change for anyone. I’ve been fighting for a long time with my family over my preference of men. I can't change and that my father wanted to force me-" He sighed, before looking at Xandria. He brought his hand up to her hair, curling a piece behind her ear.

  
"Thank you for telling me that. No one has ever confided in me before, or even cared to see past the stigma which my homeland has. You are different, and I appreciate it."

Acceptance. That was something which Xandria was unfamiliar with. Her eyes shone with unshed tears, holding them at bay, she smiled, a true one this time.

"Thank you Dorian, I will make it up to you somehow, this I promise."

  
"There's no need." Dorian hesitated. There was something else, he could sense it. "Forgive me if I'm being too forward, but there's something else you haven't said yet."

Her eyes went blank.

  
"If you would prefer not to speak of it-"

  
"No, you’re right. There...is something else. It’s the main reason why I'm so unhinged. I don't think my mother knew but" Her breath hitched. “If she did, she either wouldn't care or would approve of me being 'Dealt with properly'."

  
Dorian didn't like where this was going, Uneasily, he took one of her clenched fists in his larger one.

  
"My father. H-He would unlock the door, late at night, when he thought I was asleep. He’d touch me in places I didn't want him to. I wanted to cry out, scream for him to stop! But I was scared. Scared of what was happening and scared of what he'd do if he realized I was awake. The times when I was awake and he came in; he’d take out his daily frustrations on me. I would often fall asleep with a black eye, bust nose or bruised ribs. One of the worst things he'd done to me was a scar I still have today. He came in, vial of Lyrium in one hand, a hot brand in the other. He covered the brand with Lyrium, before the imprint of the word 'Freak' was marked into my flesh forever. He said it was 'A present for his special little girl."

  
Xandria lifted her tunic, only for Dorian to see that very scar. It was stretched. It still looked painful.The tissue resembled a word which Dorian couldn't make out. There was something not quite right. The scar must be at least 14 years old. It shouldn't look like that.

  
He reached out his spare hand. "May I?"

  
She nodded. “Go for it!"

  
He traced it with his fingertips. She flinched slightly.

  
"Does it hurt?" He questioned, retracting his hand.

  
"Sometimes" She admitted. "I think it's to do with the Lyrium. It’s preventing the scar tissue from healing. But just now it didn’t. I’m ticklish there, you see." She looked sheepish. “Perhaps I shouldn't have told you that."

  
"Ah my dear Inquisitor, whatever would you think I'd do with that tantalizing bit of information?"

  
She rolled her eyes. “What wouldn't you do with it?"

  
Something Xandria said struck within Dorian. ‘One of the worst things he's done to me’. What was the worst? Oh maker no, don’t let it be-

  
He had to ask.

  
"You said, that was one of the worst things he did to you?"

  
Her eyes became darkened, light fading from them just a little. Trembles shook her small frame.

  
Staying quiet, Dorian offered silent support.

  
"When my father visited me on those nights, he didn't just touch me,he physically entered me. It would happen most nights. He made me suck him off once. I-" She choked a little on her words.

  
It was as Dorian feared. He’d hoped the sick bastard hadn't taken it as far. Everything made sense now. Why Xandria was the way she is. He was glad he came to visit after she didn't show up to their weekly game of Wicked Grace. If only he could help...If he had any idea where the Trevelyan's residence was, he’d give them a piece of his mind. Perhaps after this, a visit to Josephine was in order.

  
"I'm sorry. I had no idea you'd been through so much."

  
Xandria squeezed the hand above hers.

  
"Don't be. You didn't know. And it's not as if I've ever let on."

  
"True enough." Dorian brought Xandria's face in line with his, so they were staring directly at one another.

  
"If you have any troubles at all or wish to speak freely, come and find me in my usual residence. I’m proud of what you've told me today and I understand that can't have been easy. I want you to know that you have a friend who is looking out for you. What I've learned today will never leave this room. I also recommend that you tell Varric, as otherwise, he’ll never leave you alone."

  
"Fuck. You're right, I’d better go tell him as soon as possible." She grumbled slightly.

  
"Once you've told Varric the 'Juicy details’, perhaps you'd care to join me for a drink or two? Maker knows you could do with one."

  
She eyed him gratefully. "Fuck yes! I need the distraction."

  
Dorian patted her shoulder, before standing up and bowing slightly. "I shall see you later.By the way,I suggest you put some clothes on before you do pay Varric a visit,or he'll be too busy looking and not listening."

  
Xandria shouted to his retreating back. “He has Bianca for that! Oh and for future reference, call me by my name or anything other than Inquisitor, it makes me sound like a vibrating sex toy with an IQ!"

  
Laughing heartily, he called out "Will do."

  
She told Varric of her story. He was glad to have finally heard it, yet devastated at what had happened. He also offered his support and accompanied her to The Herald's Rest, where Dorian was waiting.

  
This was the most drunken, craziest yet happiest night of Xandria's life. She felt able to put the past behind her, knowing she had people who were aware of her true self and why she acted the way she did. More importantly, accepting her as she was.

  
But enough of the emotional shit! She had more ideas up her sleeve.

  
Clanking tankards with Varric,Dorian and Bull (Who had later joined them) her eyes sparkled a little.

  
'Tomorrow,I think it's time to pay a visit to a High Dragon acquaintance of mine.'


	8. Dragon!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xandria tests out a little experiment. Varric and Dorian are concerned for her life while Solas really doesn't care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have an update schedule like I've set myself for EOAG, my most popular fic that I have. It's just a case of whenever I feel like it :) Enjoy!

“You can’t be serious, surely! I found a grey hair in the mirror this morning. Do you know who I blame for it? You. All these adventures you take us on is disastrous for my complexion!”

Varric and Dorian were Xandria’s constant companions. Solas had decided to join them again, despite his better judgement. Bull couldn’t join, as he was hunting the Envy Demon at Therinfall Redoubt with The Chargers.

Xandria was having none of it. ”Oh bugger off. Just pluck it out and no one will ever know that you haven’t yet found the fountain of youth.”

Even Varric was hesitant to allow this.

“Let me get this straight. You want to carry a giant metal container filled to the brim with ram meat, approach the high dragon, taunt it so fire heads in your direction, let it hit the container, only to test and see if Dragons are good for cooking food quick?”

“You forgot the part where I remove the lid and get to flap her wings a bit to cool the meat down.” She pointed out.

“I mean Hawke got into some crazy situations but Shit! At least he didn’t seek them out!”

Still carrying the meat, balanced in front of her riding on ‘I am Disease’ Her Dracolisk, she chuckled.

“Oh come on! Dragons are big bastards, I'm sure this will work, though without this silver thing the meat would be practically ash. You could get The Kaltenzahn to freeze it, though I guess you have Emprise Du Lion for that, what with the shit load of snow there.”

The three of them decided to say nothing, or they would've said something if not for the very loud and distinctly Dragon's roar they heard from above, entering The Ferelden Frostback's home.

“Right, let's get to it then!” She rubbed her hands in glee, hopping off her Dracolisk and petted the green and red creature on the nose.

“Good boy.” She cooed, removing the container of meat from its back.

“She will not be happy that you are entering her territory once more.” Solas warned.

Naturally, it fell on deaf ears.

“Don't worry! She grunted lightly, glad that she had the muscle to carry the thing because admittedly it was heavy. “She and I came to an understanding.”

“All she understands is that you're potential breakfast.” Varric grumbled.

It took a few minutes, but after ducking and dodging several large fireballs, she quickly removed the lid, using it to catch another fireball as she ducked for cover, the three just behind her.

It was with smug satisfaction that while the three thought the dragon would eat the contents, it instead crouched low, scorching the bottom of the large tray until the smell of cooked ram meat hit their noses. Stepping back a little, she did indeed flap her wings.

“See? What did I tell you? I told you we came to an understanding the last time, she won't eat me.” With that, she nevertheless cautiously approached her, picking a rather large piece of meat up before holding her hand out to the dragon.

With one huge swipe of her tongue, she licked up the meat and Xandria's entire arm, growling with pleasure and unbelievably, curled into a ball on the ground and was all too happy to receive the affectionate pats on her snout.

“It's safe you lot, come and eat!" She shouted back, sat opposite the dragon who she was occasionally feeding bits to and eating some herself.

It took a few moments for them to get over their shock but once they all did, Varric and Dorian took a seat, Solas reluctantly so.

“You never cease to amaze me Patches.” Varric shook his head in bewilderment, chewing on the meat offered. “You and Hawke need to meet up sometime, he would be shocked to hear there's someone who inevitably ends up in more trouble than him.”

Dorian was watching the interaction between Dragon and human with a healthy amount of respect. “There are not a lot of us who can reason with Dragons, though it has been known to happen. More commonly one of us, as we place dragons on god-like pedestals.”

“I have to admit, she certainly is god-like.” Xandria quirked her lip a little in amusement as the dragon seemed to preen under the compliment, before nuzzling her cheek affectionately, moving a bit away from the space to fly off into the distance, leaving the 4 to consume the rest of the meat in peace.


	9. Tokens of Appreciation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xandria has a surprise for Dorian, in thanks and in celebration.

She was nervous. She, Oh mighty Inquisitor, was nervous. She was unfamiliar with the feeling and frankly didn't like it one bit.

“Frigging hell! Pull yourself together!" She punched herself in the head. Ah, all that gave her was a slight headache, her stomach was still trying to perform self-fellatio.

She'd made some subtle (yes,subtle) enquiries to Josephine as to when Dorian's Birthday was. She'd found out it was actually only a few short weeks off. She wanted to say thank you to him for being an awesome friend. She'd never had any friends, up until him, Varric and now Bull. It was...nice. She'd ordered books, Many,many books. Most were from Tevinter, she'd actually convinced one of the scouts to steal some from the Pavus estate. There were some from Ferelden,Antiva (Thanks to Josephine) Nevarra and other areas. She'd placed them all into an empty room, organising some shelves to be placed there.

Secondly, she'd followed through with Dorian's leads. Leliana had helped to pinpoint all Venatori Camp locations.

These were birthday presents. She'd never celebrated anything, not even her own birthday or had given gifts.

Was it just her, or did these spiral stairs to the library feel longer?

There he was, in his usual spot, casually reading a book. Here goes...

“MUSTACHIO! HOW IS SHIT TODAY?”

Bollocks. She hadn't meant to shout. Her nerves were more shot than she thought. Poor sod shot out of his seat.

It took him a few seconds to recover.

“Did you have to bring Skyhold to its knees with your booming voice? I-” He cut himself off. She looked positively dreadful. She was rubbing her legs together so furiously he was positive she'd chafe. Her eyes darted from one place to another, hand running through her hair.

His brow furrowed. ”Are you alright? You look rather ill.”

Xandria tensed slightly. ”I'm fucking marvellous! Really. Hey, can I borrow you for a second? Promise it won't take long then you can get back to masturbating over your book on Karma Sutra.”

“I assure you if that was what I'd intended, I would have much less clothing on. In answer to your question, of course.”

Placing his still open book face down on the armchair, he stood up and followed Xandria.

Passing by the cellar, Dorian posed a question.

“What is this about, exactly?”

“We're almost there. You'll find out soon.”

She arrived at the door.

Taking a deep breath, she unlocked it with a key.

Putting slight pressure on it, the door creaked open. She stood to the side and bowed, arm outstretched in the new opening.

“After you, oh Lord Dorian Pavus the Excellent."

Chuckling, he did so.

Xandria followed in, shutting the door. She lit the candles.

Before Dorian could react, Xandria smiled.

“Happy Birthday!”

Dorian blinked. Once. Twice.

“How-” Dorian thought for a moment. ”Ah, no need. Josephine found out I presume?”

Xandria nodded. She then gestured to the shelves.

“These are for you. I ordered them in. Fucking expensive, but worth it. There's probably some titles in there you'll recognise. There's a lot of reading material, but I've heard you complaining about how you'll have them all read soon enough and the lack of organisation. I ordered them by alphabetical order and subject, though you can switch them round as you please.”

Before Xandria lost her bottle completely, she then picked up a map, handing it to him.

“This is your second kind of present? It's the location of all Venatori camps. You can go and clear them out whenever you want. I wanted to thank you for being the best friend I've had and I hope that this is enough.”

She glanced at him. He didn't move an inch.

Oh god. Had she fucked up again?

She decided to leave him to it.

“I'll be buggering off, you know where to find me-”

A hand stopped her from leaving, firmly grasped around her arm.

She looked back.

Dorian was shaken up. Unshed tears shone in his eyes, moustache dangerously quivering.Yep, she'd fucked up.

She rubbed her head.

“Oh, fucking bloody hell I'm sorry.”

“No.” Dorian composed himself.

“I apologise for my lack of decorum. It's just that no one has ever gone out of their way to acknowledge my being born. Nothing heartfelt. Yes, there were lavish gifts and celebration, but it was all for show. That you made the effort and spent the coin, I-”

So she couldn't see the single tear leaking from his eye, he wrapped her in his arms.

“Thank you.” He mumbled into her ear. Composing himself, he released her.

Thank fuck for that.Xandria was sure she'd gone wrong somehow.

“I will make it up to you, this I promise.” His eyes lit up.

Chuckling, she made to leave once more before remembering.

“Oh yeah! If you look in the far right corner near that chair, there's a little fireplace thing you can light. I know you and the Southern cold have a frosty relationship.”

She sniggered at her own joke.

Dorian rolled his eyes before staring at her fondly.

“That tickled me delightedly. You've really thought of everything haven't you?”

She bowed deeply. ”I do try!”

She sprinted out or tried to, before forgetting she shut the door. Nose bash round 2!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

“Wooden wanker!" She rubbed her nose furiously, before opening the door and running out.

Dorian was already nose deep into his book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't stop picturing this in my head, it was so cute I had to write it :D


	10. The Most Un-Orlesian Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xandria takes delight in doing something rather disgusting, if only to stick it to the nobles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't even ask where I got this idea from! :P

While the Winter Palace was a nice place, Xandria would've much rather preferred to admire its beauty any other day than physically being there.

Did she ever mention how much she despised nobles? While she may come from a noble house herself, she just couldn't stand them. All the lies and deceit dressed up as harmless games. She couldn't give a shiny shite about who ruled Orlwank. Yes,Orlwank. Fuck ais. But ala, that was required of being part of the Inquisition.

One thing she didn't do was follow the Inquisition dress code. She had a light tunic made from dragon webbing with the words 'If you're reading this, fuck you' sewn on the front. While naturally, the Orlwankers disapproved, She was able to sway them round and unite Gaspard,Briala and The Empress. She'll be fucked if she knows how long that will last for and quite honestly? She didn't care.

Earlier on in the day. She'd hatched a plan. Cullen was unaware of this but sneaking in among his Inquisition soldiers, would be an Inquisition mage. She was sure Dorian would've gone along with her plan.but if things somehow went tits up, she didn't want him wrapped up in it. She'd promised the mage that she would buy his monthly supply of lyrium in exchange for placing a ward which was keyed into specific people. Mainly, no one who was with or associated with The Inquisition.

There were 2 punch bowls, both filled with the same liquid. Xandria had urinated into a flask earlier. Disgusting as she realised it was, the thought of The Orlwankers drinking her waste brought her no small amount of pleasure. Pouring it in, the mage then placed the ward. It worked. Everyone with The Inquisition approached the non-spiked punch bowl.

A bout of laughter escaped Xandria. Thinking back on what happened, it was even funnier. The nobles were pissed on her own piss!

“Uh oh, I know that laughter from anywhere. What have you been up to now?”

“Dorian! Dude! How is shit?”

Taking a sip from his glass, his upper lip quirked.

“Shit is good. Now do indulge me on the juicy details of your crime.”

Xandria's eyed widened dramatically. ”Me? Commit a crime? Oh, sir, you wound me! In all seriousness, though-”

Dorian snorted.

Rolling her eyes, she continued. ”Yes yes I know serious and myself can't be put into the same sentence. Anyway, I warn you not to choke.”

Dorian nodded. ”Out with it.”

She couldn't resist. Dorian was so refined at all times, never a hair out of place. She timed it as he was drinking from his glass.

“I pissed in the punch bowl.”

“You WHAT?!” Dorian choked, spitting punch everywhere. She slapped him on the back, hard.

“Don't shit yourself, it's not the punch you've been drinking! Just the ones the nobles have been drinking from. I paid off this mage to place a ward over one of the punches, to deter any members of The Inquisition to seek out the other bowl, while everyone else drank from the one I pissed in."

Dorian Sighed, relieved. ”Thank the maker, I thought you were trying to make me ill!”

A moment of silence, before Dorian pondered something.

“Why?”

“Why not?” Xandria countered.

“You and your bloody faulty logic.”

Dorian resumed his drinking, albeit cautiously. Though he knew she spoke the truth that he was drinking from the unspiked bowl, one can't be too careful.

Xandria was deep in thought for a moment, before coughing and scratching her head awkwardly.

“Well, I may or may not have told the mage to not include Vivienne and Solas when it came to the ward deterring members of the Inquisition, I just felt it was too good an opportunity to pass up. Solas for simply being Solas and Vivienne for taking a dig at my family, the bitch. Only I'm allowed to do that!”

Dorian frowned. ”I don't believe I heard about that. Care to enlighten me? Also,completely off topic I know but are you not drinking tonight?"

“I will, later.” She promised. “Also, can you smell that?”

Taking a little sniff, Dorian shook his head. "I'm afraid not, no.”

Xandria made a wafting motion with her hand. ”That's the smell of shit. Bullshit everywhere. Heaps upon heaps of it every time a noble plays the game. They'll rape you with their double-edged words and if they try that with me, I'd like to be sober and not pissing into a prized fountain.”

Dorian snorted. ”Good point, well made.”

“Take care Mustachio, I'm off to win more gold from betting with the nobles.”

Saluting, she sauntered off tossing her coin pouch from hand to hand.


	11. Dragon Dick and Nice Tits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xandria fancied changing her schedule up a bit, not that she had one anyway. But, someone joins her along for the ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a bit of DA writing inspiration back! Since I finally got the PS4 version of Dragon Age along with all the DLC's I've had the urge to write a bit more, plus I missed writing for this, Xandria is fun ;D

Xandria woke up, groggy as old balls.

 

Scrubbing her face and removing the dried scud from her lips, she then flopped back on her bed.

 

"Fuck me, most I've drunk in a while, I'd better get up anyway. Lucky I don't get hangovers!"

 

Lucky indeed, the number of times she'd had a game of Wicked Grace and instigated the drinking competitions, she should be under constant supervision by a healer.

 

She then moved to her wardrobe. She was about to open the door, but in the end, decided not to.

 

Cracking her knuckles, she banged open the door, exiting her quarters.

 

"Sod it, I'll forgo clothes today, I've been running out of shock factor."   
Her mutters echoed through the room.

 

In her case, embarrassment was a rarity and she was cured of it long ago though she wished it had been under different circumstances. As though she were in full Inquisitorial garb she skipped past, some alternately averting their eyes or staring when certain parts of her anatomy applied jiggle physics.

 

"BULL! HOW ARE YOU YOU BIG DICKED SOD?" Xandria called out, loud enough that Coryphecunt with his Red Lyrium ears could probably hear. She never thought through her plans before today but considering her less than innocent thoughts about Bull, it was either the worst or best course of action taken. Giving a grin at some daring wolf whistles she waved at him, his scarred eyebrows raising.

 

"Nice tits." He said simply, not even bothering to avert his eyes.

 

"Thanks! They're my own too." As if to prove it, she poked one lightly.

 

"Not that I'm complaining but why are you naked?" His tone was huskier than usual, though that could be her imagination.

 

"You know how some people lose hair from shock?" At his nod, she continued. "I'm thinking Sherry might grow some instead! Worth a shot right?"

 

Bull laughed, a deep, rumbling one that seemed to stimulate her core as she skilfully held back a moan. While she could see from the resulting stares and Cassandra facepalming in shame that her aim to shock was successful, this was fucking torture for her right now. Neither of them had said anything to one another but she hadn't really hid the fact she had the hots for the heavily muscled god ascended to earth that was The Iron Bull, can't forget the article at the front of his name. Fuck, she'd ride the Bull any day.

 

"Ah what the hell?"

 

"Chief?"

 

Bull had at that point been sparring with Krem but like the majority of Skyhold, their attention was captured by the Inquisitor in her state of dress, or undress. This particular redhead drove him wild, especially with the way she confidently held herself. He could see a nasty scar on her side and whoever or whatever gave that to her, would learn what it means to face the wrath of The Iron Bull.

 

Xandria's eyes comically widened as in no time at all, Bull had joined in her state of undress and everyone's attention moved to Bull. She could see why.

 

"Holy shit, fuck big dicked sod, you're a dragon dicked sod!" As if to mimic his earlier words, she didn't avert her gaze from him or his very...erect addition. "Nice dick." Unable to help herself she pressed a finger against it, watching in fascination as it reminded her of a springboard. Except she'd dive onto it, not off it.

 

"I'm The Iron fucking Bull!" Xandria laughed in delight, following alongside him and taking the large hand he held out to her. Both heading for the destination of Solas.

 

Solas, for his part, was drinking tea in disgust, frowning at how much of a useless bastard Corypheus was, not dying when he was supposed to. Now, he was stuck like this, guiding the frankly insane if sometimes well-meaning Inquisitor and having to put up with her.

 

"Sheeeeeery Baaaaby!" While Xandria made enough noise for the both of them, Bull happily chuckled alongside her. She had a great everything. Personality, ass, tits, tits... He may have thought tits twice but that just went to show how great they are.

 

To her disappointment, Sherry never grew hair from shock but he did inhale his tea the wrong way and started to choke.

 

"Don't die on me now, every Inquisitor needs a hairless person for wisdom." And with that she patted him hard on the back, the force knocking him into her chest. Oops.

 

He removed himself from her chest, saying nothing and walking out, but he could see the speed of his walking had increased, along with the pink tinge to his cheeks.

 

She couldn't help but think to herself, _'Sherry needs a nipple on his head, then he can be a tit too!'_

The pair of them made sure everyone saw and heard of their undressed state.

 

Varric considered writing, this time for his own personal therapy.

 

Sera couldn't help but wonder what the women Qunari looked like, fantasies running through her mind as she sat on the roof, watching the commotion.

 

Dorian no longer found himself surprised, instead rather pleased when faced with the pair as he knew instinctively they would grow closer after this particular antic.

 

"You're not the only one who polishes a staff." Bull had said to him and in a great feat of self control, he mad managed to not roll his eyes.

 

Blackwall had to admire their confidence and though the Inquisitor had a strange way of going about it, morale was higher than it had ever been. He'd spared a glance before going back to his carving.

 

Cole watched over in confusion. Many people were happy, but it was a different kind of happy. Something stronger. He didn't know the armor came off.

 

Josephine, Leliana and Cullen all watched from the war room, where they had previously been discussing how best to approach the deep roads, now distracted by an extraordinary display, the two women admiring the Orlesian level drama while Cullen's and every other male member of The Inquisition's silent question now had an answer.

 

Vivienne was away, for the better as she came to realise, furrowing her brows in contempt of their leader once returning to Skyhold.

 

Meanwhile, Xandria had gotten to see an entirely different view as she was effortlessly picked up by Bull, forcefully barging open the door to the quarters she'd left not that long ago.

 

Not even waiting until they'd reached the bed, Xandria demonstrated that her tongue was for more than spouting bullshit, as it tangled with another in a passion infused kiss. With one arm Bull was able to support her with ease, as he used an unoccupied hand to squeeze those nice tits of hers.

 

"Guess who gets to ride the Bull?" He murmured low into Xandria's ear, who shuddered with desire.

 

Oh, fuck yes.

 

Needless to say, the rest of Skyhold didn't see the pair for the rest of the day, however, anyone brave enough to wander by The Inquisitor's quarters heard enough to make even Tranquil blush.

 

Life, was fucking sweet.


End file.
